i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
