I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
