if you like me you must not know who I am
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
