"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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