i permit you to call me
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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