Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
