girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You are the jesus of drinking
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
