Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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