My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I believe in your delicious
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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