I wish I could teleport
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
