My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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