My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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