Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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