I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
