I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She said her name was "party"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize