You work out of a Hotel?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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