Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
