I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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