Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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