The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize