i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
