I must be too annoying 4 u.
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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