walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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