dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
