My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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