I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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