I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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