just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
