6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
