so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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