It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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