you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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