my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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