Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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