Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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