So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
