Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
