I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
