I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just found puke in my bra..
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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