I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize