There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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