WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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