found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
