It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
