I want to walk on stilts...naked
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
