Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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