the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
