Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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