I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize