Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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