I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
