I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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