I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
