Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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