Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
