My cat gives me a boner
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
