Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
