I faked an abortion last night.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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