when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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