My brain says no but my pants say off.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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