Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
