I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
