im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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