She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
