mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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