I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Buhtt sex?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Acid is not a monday night drug
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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