Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize