Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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